Dam….I took up a seasonal job at the post office to get some extra gwap up. Now that it’s finally over, it’s time I reflect, and in the spirit of the holiday season, extend my experiences to all my blog fam in hopes that you can glean some good info from my time spent there. So here it is:
LESSONS LEARNED WHILE WORKING AT THE POST OFFICE:
1)USPS does really care about your mail being delivered on time.
Seriously.
Reasoning:
It wasn’t out of the norm for people to stay past their regular shifts and work until every piece of mail was sorted, packed, and ready to be delivered.
I’d like to add that this is completely out of the norm for me because in past positions, when it came time to decide who stays and who goes, we would usually all stand around in a circle staring at each other until someone volunteered, or was volunteered.
The losers would then start with the usual “Man, fuck that, I can’t stay cuz I gotta do/go/get xxxxx” excuses. Usually said excuses would revolve around needing to buy weed, or go home because they just have “shit to do.”
Not with USPS though. Cats there were pulling 12-14+ hour shifts DAILY, all to make sure your mail gets to where it needs to be on time.
How’s that for dedication?
And with that said…I never stayed late. Not once.
Man, fuck that.
2)I’m way more hood than I originally thought. And possibly psychic.
Reasoning:
While it’s true that being a mail handler takes next to ZERO skill, it remains true that that any job in life, no matter how mundane, certain things just can’t be taught. And such a skill came to me after about a week in. I’m doing the usual mail sorting thing and then bam, shit was like a vision or something.
I saw light, I heard angels signing (or it may have been CeCe Winans) and all that.
Apparently, I can tell you how many welfare and child support checks a tub of mail contains.
By just looking at it.
Feel free to tell me how nice I am in the comment section below.
3)Kids really write to Santa. And it’s possible that elves really do exist. So by extension, it’s possible that Santa really exists.
Reasoning:
On occasion I was responsible for “dumping mail.” What that means is, once the mail is unloaded from the trucks, I would dump it onto this giant conveyor belt thing, where it would then be sorted by size, and zip code. Easy shit right? Part of that job though, was to weed out Christmas cards, Netflix DVD’s (fuck you Netflix, more on that below), and letters addressed to Santa Claus.
What I would do with these is put them in seperate tubs, and once full, deliver them to their respective stations.
All except for the letters addressed to Santa.
These, I was instructed to leave in a tub on the floor, and “someone” would get them. Be damned if I was actually told who. Be damned if I actually saw who.
All I know is, if I ever stepped away to take a piss, quick break, or whatever whatever, them shits would be gone by the time I got back.
No explanation. No nothing.
I’ll let you call that one.
4)I fucking HATE Netflix.
Reasoning:
I knew there’s a reason I never got shit from you. Too goddamed good to use standard size mailing jackets eh? I wonder if you dick wipes have any idea how fucking mind-numbingly tedious it is to pick YOURS (AND ONLY YOUR DVD’s) out of tubs containing TENS OF THOUSANDS of pieces of mail? Not to mention the untold HOURS of productivity wasted as a result? I’m sure you don’t, and it’s a safe bet that you could give a shit.
So with that said, I’d like to extend a very heartfelt FUCK YOU from the writers of this blog (myself), to the President of Netflix, and all the way down to Pre-K dropouts you have mopping your floors at night. I hate all of you.
O yea, shouts to Blockbuster too.
5)I’m no longer afraid of rubberbands.
Reasoning:
Remember when you were in grade school, and you’d spot some little fucktard about to pluck you with a rubberband from across the room, how your face would cringe in anticipated pain? And usually you’d have to threaten to beat his/her little ass to avoid being reduced to a heap of sobbing “bitch ass” from the pain that only a rubberband traveling at 60MPH can provide?
I do too.
But after a few weeks of working at the post office you begin to realize…rubberbands ain’t shit.
You get over it quick after peeling untold amounts of them off bundles of mail marked “local only,” (that we pay no attention to btw). Where sometimes they’ll just fly off any which way (but usually towards your face). Also from the legions of your co-workers, who much like the previously mentioned little fucktard from grade school, find it hilarious to walk by and pluck them at you.
So what happens is you develop a sixth sense. You can “feel” someone mention rubber, or steadying their aim for a head shot. This is all long before they’ve even raised a finger at you. Things slow to a calm. All you can hear is your attacker’s heartbeat. It is at this point the ‘glow’ has overtaken you, like my boy Bruce Leroy in the “The Last Dragon.”
Anyway, you learn to subconciously react. You learn to ’see’ the rubberband before you need help seeing to pick that bitch out of your eye.
You now can snatch them shits clean out the air, on some Crouching Tiger shit. It becomes second nature.
So it’s with complete joy that I announce that due in large part to my experiences at the post office, I can now stop rubberbands (and any rubber composite) in mid-air, with my mind.
Like Neo from the Matrix.
True shit.
^Stay tuned…I need to meditate on some more shit, so there may be some updates.
Posts
December 26, 2007 @ 5:40 pm
This shit is hilarious…
I did hear about that Netflix shit last week I think…
post office is gonna sue unless Netflix changes the package.
I’ve never seen one?
Are they the same package as gamefly?
I digress…
December 27, 2007 @ 10:37 am
ciceroe
This is complete comedy… I was a mail carrier all of the summer of 2005 in Texas. An if you ever been to Texas in the summer time…NIgga its hot.
The only reason I still not there is because of Katrina misplacing all of the NO mail carriers and sending them up to Dallas taking the new guys off… THANK GOD.
The sorting must have been much more fun than delivering that shit.
The funniest time was when this Guy that had been let off for mental issues came back to work…This nigga grabbed his Mail Bag and was getting his shit ready when all of a sudden dude said
“Im never leaving again…Im gon die on my route”
Lets just say that it was the start of the end for me after that.
December 27, 2007 @ 10:54 am
“Im never leaving again…Im gon die on my route”
Nigga I would have went on break, and never gone back.
Ain’t gonna see me on the 5 o’clock news on some shootout shit.
December 27, 2007 @ 11:02 am
Bruce
That wasnt the half of it… I got into in with this Gay dude cause I keep delivering the same Blockbuster movie… Shit I was just reading the address. I got about 3 houses down and the funny nigga came out and said in his sissy voice
“Im tired of you bringing back the same movie I saw this 2 weeks ago”
It wasnt my fault I thought he like the Crying Game…
December 27, 2007 @ 11:19 am
So Cic, you’re the reason why the mail was running late the last couple of weeks.
December 27, 2007 @ 11:19 am
‘It wasnt my fault I thought he like the Crying Game…’
Oh!
December 27, 2007 @ 1:10 pm
Cic, you are a whole fool.
December 27, 2007 @ 1:26 pm
“Im never leaving again…Im gon die on my route””
No further comment.
“So Cic, you’re the reason why the mail was running late the last couple of weeks.”
…CJP said he got that Crying Game for you. He just hit the wrong house a few times…
Nods @ Auntie
Whatup?
December 27, 2007 @ 1:28 pm
‘CJP said he got that Crying Game for you.’
December 27, 2007 @ 1:50 pm
‘Nods @ Auntie’
What up, Nephew?
December 27, 2007 @ 1:50 pm
OK…
ALright I must be out of the loop or something…but I never knew People really returned items back…. I was at Walmart around 2am this morning an I saw carts full of returned items… Damn shame
December 27, 2007 @ 1:56 pm
‘ALright I must be out of the loop or something…but I never knew People really returned items back…. ‘
Hell yeah they return shit LOL.
But a lot of that stuff you see be reshops - the things people change their minds about last minute after the cashier rings up half their shit and they realize they dont have enough LOL.
December 27, 2007 @ 2:10 pm
‘change their minds about last minute after the cashier rings up half their shit and they realize they dont have enough LOL’
I know someone who bounced a check on $200 worth of groceries up in Walmart.
Had to do that ‘walk of shame’ up out the building.
December 27, 2007 @ 2:13 pm
But a lot of that stuff you see be reshops
When I worked at Toys R Us we use to have to do that shit but not like what I saw at Walmart last night. That shit was crazy…
I just think thats soooo fucked up to return a gift someone gave you… Unless its not the right size or its defected. Those are the only two reasons.
December 27, 2007 @ 2:15 pm
Had to do that ‘walk of shame’ up out the building.
Thats fucked up right there…I saw these two chicks run out of Toys R Us one time cause they were using stolen credit card numbers… I never seen chicks run that fast in my life.
December 27, 2007 @ 3:00 pm
Walmart’s return policy is the shit.
When I was trying to get my first car on the road, I had to clean out the inside because it was sitting so long. It literally had bees nests IN the gas tank, behind the side mirrors….bees everywhere.
Anyway, rather than pay a professional (or a junkie) to do it, I copped one of those lil Dirt Devil wet vac joints for like $40….got all that shit up out the seats, and took it back.
What’s even better is you don’t have to make up excuses about why you don’t want it.
I told shorty straight up…I used it, and don’t need it anymore.
$40 back in my pocket, no questions asked.